Misc. Simple Truths

• I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
• I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
• My reality cheque bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
• You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more junk you put up with, the more junk you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
• When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Here are some more:
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
• Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• I started with nothing.  I still have most of it.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.