Red Skeleton's tips on marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have  a little beverage,  good food and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 

2. We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is in California and mine is in Texas. 

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding  her way back. 

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our  anniversary?    "Somewhere haven't been in a long time!" she said.  So I suggested the kitchen. 

5. We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops. 

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and  electric bread maker.  She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to  sit down!"    So I bought her an electric chair. 

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because  there was water in  the carburetor.  I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake." 

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off. 

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too  late for the  garbage?"  The driver said "No, jump in!" 

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of  divorce. 

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first  name was "always." 

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her. 

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked  "What's on the TV?"  I said "Dust!" 

[back to quote page]